A few years ago, about the time my oldest entered kindergarten and I was expecting my 3rd baby, I began to think a lot about friendships. I have always considered myself an extrovert that had no trouble making friends. But here I was approaching 40 with what felt like very few close friendships. I knew tons of women that wasn’t the problem. I live in an area that has plenty of opportunities to meet people. Curious about the topic of friendships at 40, I began to talk with other women my age about this idea and read a lot about the topic. I found that I was not alone, many women felt like it was them that was having a hard time making friends. They (and I) were not accounting for all the other reasons friendship can be more difficult to nurture at this stage in our lives. One book in particular struck a cord with me. It has a fun title, {I’m a sucker for a good book title!} MWF seeking BFF by Rachel Bertsche. This book actually ended up being one of the primary reasons I decided to start this blog {more on that later}. I had been reflecting on the idea that most of what we read, see,or hear about friendships post-college are geared towards women say 25-35 or more importantly I’d suggest, nearly or newly married or pregnant or expecting a first child. But I was more interested in what happens next. After the “new baby/mommy” classes and playgroups subside. How do women make new friendships, keep existing good friendships or expand + deepen current ones?
Rachel Bertsche’s MWF seeking BFF, is her account of a “yearlong search for a new BFF.” Her search is not about invalidating or eliminating her current BFFs, but more about how life circumstance can change, which cause us to no longer be physically close to a special. Or how life stressors shift and can re-prioritize someone’s life. You may move to a new city (or a best friend does), start a new career, have another child, go through a divorce or any number of other life changes that can affect friendship. Rachel spends her year vowing to spend the next 52 weeks on a “friend date” once a week. It is a fairly extreme idea I admit, but in today’s culture of Match.com and other singles cyber sites, it makes for the perfect plot while being hilariously funny and a deeply honest account of what women’s friendships are like while on her quest.
While her quest resonated with me and I enjoyed the book, I continued to wonder, How does this work for women beyond their early thirties. How do women at or approaching forty with busy lives raising families and building careers connect on a more intimate level with other women? How do we keep long standing BFFs close to us?
While reading Bertsche’s book, I read about a website called GirlFriends Circles. Intrigued, I decided to find out more. While I have not participated in any of their “Connecting Circles” I have gained perspective from reading Shasta’s Blog. She posts regularly on the subject of adult women and our friendships, but also on topics like self-care, life stages, and personal growth. One of her many thoughts on friendship comes in the form of this diagram that she comes back to again and again and calls The Circles of Connectedness.
If you have ever wondered about your adult friendships, be it working to maintain a friendship that has drifted or cultivating a new friendship, I highly recommend checking out Shasta’s blog. She clarifies what our different types of relationships are and even suggests how you might move friends from the circles on the left to a circle on the right. Rachel’s blog as well. She posts on a wide variety of topics from friendship and politics to why inside jokes are important. Love it! I think you will too.
Thank you to all the wonderful women that make up my life. I am blessed to know each of you.
{top image source: www.mwfseekingbff.com}
